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feeling pressure to try out
or watch stuff in porn?

Kia ora! Pressure to watch or try stuff from porn can be tough…

especially if you’re made to feel lame for not being into it. The thing is, watching or
re-enacting porn is a sexual activity, so you need to be super into it – and it’s okay if you’re not! It’s normal to want to fit in and saying no can feel tricky 🧐 – so here’s some tips to help when the pressure’s on…

TIPS & TOOLSseeing-porn-glasses

Feeling Pressure to Try Stuff in Porn?

If you’re feeling pressure to try stuff out, here’s some top tips to help out…

Is this going to feel good?

Sex is not just about one person having a good time. Great sex is when both people are having a good time – so make sure it’s gonna be great for you both before you say yes.

Is it safe?

Some of the sex in porn isn’t always safe – the actors don’t often wear condoms, some of the sexual acts cause them pain, and they do some stuff like choking that can be dangerous.

If it doesn’t seem safe to you – then call the shots and give it a miss.

Are you being “asked” or “pressured”?

If someone asks you to try something and then respects ‘no’ for an answer – that’s cool. But if there’s pressure or they don’t listen to you – that’s not okay.

Every sexual experience needs to have enthusiastic consent. That’s not an “um ok”, but more like an enthusiastic “hell yeah” kinda yes. Watch here

Is it pushy or just playful?

Sometimes the lines between pressure and playful can be messy. Lines like “If you really liked me, you’d try this” or “I know you’ll be into this once you try it” might sound playful, but they are actually straight up pressure.

And ANY kind of sexual pressure is not okay.

It’s okay to say no

Saying no is so okay. Even if you’re super into someone.

You can also say no without sounding savage. Try “I really like you – but nah, I’m not into that”.

Body language works

Sometimes a quiet ‘no’ might not do the job.

People are more likely to take a ‘no’ seriously if we sit up or stand, use eye contact and use a firm voice.

Is my relationship all good?

If your date or partner respects you, they won’t be pushy or pull lines like “C’mon, everyone does this”.

HERE’S a quiz from ARE YOU OK? to help you find out what makes a healthy relationship.

Ask for help

If you’re feeling pressure, it helps to have a safe mate or an adult to talk to.

Reach out to a friend, or if you want to talk anonymously try the pros HERE.

Sexual harm

If you’ve had a sexual experience you didn’t want or were forced into a sexual act – that’s called sexual harm.

If that’s you, it’s important you’re not dealing with that alone – so try talking to a trusted friend or adult. If you need medical support, want to report it, or just need anonymous support – text the counsellors at 4334 Safe to Talk, they are there for you.

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Any kind of sexual pressure is not okay. Even if you’re super into someone

Feeling Pressure to Try Stuff in Porn?

Here’s five hot tips for when the pressure’s on…

It’s okay to say no

Saying no is so okay. It sounds simple, but a simple “Nah – not for me” can work.

If you’re with the person/people and keep being hassled, think of a way to gap the situation.

Relationship red flag

If a partner you really like is pressuring you, that’s still not okay. Try being honest: “I’ve said no, I don’t like that you keep asking”. Watching porn is a sexual activity that shouldn’t involve pressure of any kind.

Healthy relationships should be super supportive – so if someone keeps trying to convince you to watch porn, that’s a red flag.

Laugh it off

Not doing what your mates are doing can make things real tense, real fast. Humour can be useful in some cases if you want to avoid being blunt, but still make your feelings clear. “No judgement here…but I’m more into watching cats on YouTube.”

Is it legal?

If it’s an adult pressuring you and you are under age 18, that’s illegal and not okay.

Tell a trusted adult – a school nurse, a school counsellor, whānau, or text 4334 “I’m (insert age) and an adult has been showing me porn – what should I do?”

Feeling super pressured?

Talk to someone and get help. Friends and helplines HERE

 are there to lean on if you are feeling out of your depth.

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It’s okay to say no. Watching porn is actually a sexual activity – so should never involve pressure of any kind.

Change topics?

LEARN
Pressure to watch porn?

It’s not uncommon to feel pressure to watch porn. A recent NZ study showed 1 in 5 of the youth who’d seen porn in the past six months had at some point felt pressured by someone to look at it with them(9) and another survey showed some young people who don’t watch porn can feel like they don’t fit in(10).

Pressure from a friend or partner combo’d with wanting to fit in can mean it’s really hard to say no. But learning to say no is a super important thing to get good at, if you want to stay true to your personal boundaries 👍.

Pressure to try out sexual stuff

Pressure to try out new sexual stuff is also not uncommon. Our recent survey showed that pressure to do sexual stuff seen in porn can be an issue for many young people. Porn’s become a form of sex ed and is often used as a learning tool – so it’s not rocket science that some young people want to try out what they’ve seen.

But any kind of pressure to try out new sexual stuff is not okay. Even if you’re super into each other.

“I have some friends that get asked to try something, but they don’t even know what it is because they don’t watch porn and they feel pressure to watch so they don’t feel dumb not knowing.”
FEMALE, 14, OFLC research

“There’s feelings of guilt for not wanting to re-enact things seen in porn and fear of being called a prude .”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020

Any kind of pressure from a partner to try out new sexual stuff is not okay – even if it’s said playfully and even when you’re super into each other. It’s okay to say no.
What actually is Sexual Coercion?

Coercion is a word used to describe when you feel pressured, obligated or persuaded to do something sexually you don’t want to do. Coercion can be confusing as it can be really subtle and even seem playful or it can be obvious and straight up threatening – so it helps to think of it as a spectrum or a range.

Here’s some examples of everyday coercion. A partner might:

  •  Keep pressuring you, even when you’ve said no… “C’mon – don’t be a prude”
  •  Use manipulative lines… “Sex is how I feel loved – so it makes me feel crap when you don’t want to” or “I need it, I’m a guy”
  •  Make you feel guilty or like you owe them… because you’re in a relationship, they’ve spent money on you, or you’ve hooked up with them.
  •  Use subtle threats… “If I don’t get sex from you, I’ll get it somewhere else”
  •  Get angry or verbally abuse you… if you don’t do what they want sexually
  •  Give you drugs or alcohol… to loosen things up and get you over the line sexually
  •  Make you feel threatened or afraid… of what might happen if you say no.

No matter what it looks like, any kind of coercion is not okay. A coercive partner or hook up hasn’t respected someone’s boundaries or wishes – and that’s not okay. Ever.

What’s the deal with consent and coercion in porn?

Basically ‘consent’ isn’t common on most porn sites and some scenes have coercive stuff in them.

A 2019 study showed that of the porn scenes kiwis watched most, 35% of the top scenes had some non-consensual or coercive behaviour. Put simply, non-consenting or coercive stuff was a normal and an AoK part of the scenes(11). In another study, a majority (54%) of recent viewers said they use porn to learn about sex(12).

So yeah, consent or coercion can get blurred in real life when porn’s being used to learn about sex.

Pressure or just playful?

The line between pressure and playful can be messy.

Lines like “C’mon – don’t be a prude, you’ll like it” or “If you really liked me, you’d try this” may sound playful, but are actually straight up pressure. And any kind of sexual pressure is not okay. Sex should always be safe, pleasurable, and consenting (saying yes) for both or all partners.

“There is a massive amount of peer pressure around porn – people talk about it like it’s cool, and go on about “how hot this girl was” etc. If we could make it seem less cool somehow it would be a good start to breaking that peer pressure.”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020

So, what is a healthy sexual relationship?

Healthy sexual relationships should include:

  •  Consent  – an enthusiastic “hell yeah” kinda yes to the type, place, person/s and timing of sex
  •  Communication  – both partners say what they’re into/not into and it’s respected
  •  Contraception/Condoms  – it’s risk free of STIs or unplanned pregnancy
  •  Comfort  – it’s pleasurable, feels great for both partners and there’s no pressure
  •  Connection  – there’s connection and it’s not just all about the sex.

For extra info on sexual relationships and pressure, check out lovegoodbadugly.com/sex-pressure and Healthy Sexual Relationships — Dear Em

LISTEN

FEELING PRESSURE TO try or
watch stuff in porn?
FEELING PRESSURE TO try or watch stuff in porn?

The REAL Sex Talk

NZ young adults talk about porn. Side Note: they talk about ‘careful searching’ for ethical porn… most ethical porn costs $$ and isn’t on mainstream porn sites – so ‘careful searching’ might not work.

Hot Girls Wanted – NETFLIX series

Netflix doco series on amateur porn performers, how they experience the industry and the impact on their wellbeing

Sexual Consent

Great NZ clip on the importance of picking up the vibes when your partner isn’t into it.
Sheesh some goodies to check out here – a full Netflix series on performers’ experience in the porn industry; young NZ adults talk about porn; and a great clip where kiwis look at nonverbal consent.
TALK/TEXT

Safe to Talk

If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.

Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Freephone: 0800 044 334
Text: 4334
Website/online chat: www.safetotalk.co.nz
Email: [email protected]

NETSAFE

Netsafe is a free confidential 24/7 online safety helpline that offers support, legal info and advice on online issues.

Freephone: 
0508 NETSAFE

Text: 4284
8am-8pm weekdays
9am-5pm weekends.

Online report: Reporting Harmful Content

Website: netsafe.org.nz

ARE YOU OK?

This website has great info on experiencing violence, using violence, warning signs, strategies and success stories. There’s an info line on services for anyone experiencing or witnessing violence or wanting to change.

Freephone: 0800 456 450
www.areyouok.org.nz

Women’s refuge

A service for women and children who are experiencing abuse in their homes or relationships. Ring 24/7 for non-judgemental support and advice.

Freephone: 0800REFUGE
womensrefuge.org.nz

Police

If you are in an unsafe situation call 111. If it’s not an emergency, call your local police station, or report what’s going on here: police.govt.nz

If you want to keep anonymous click HERE.

Shine

Shine provides help for anyone experiencing violence or domestic abuse. They offer free and confidential support, advice, information, referrals and legal info.

Freephone: 0508733843
www.2shine.org.nz

YOUTHLINE

24/7 free service designed just for youth. You can call or text to talk about big or small stuff.

Anonymous online chat 7-10pm.
Freephone: 0800 376 633
Text: 234
www.youthline.co.nz

Shakti New Zealand

Shakti provides immediate support to women, children and youth of Asian, African and Middle Eastern origin who have experienced sexual abuse, domestic violence and discrimination.

Phone 24/7 Crisis Line: 0800 742 584
shaktiinternational.org

“Having tools for people is important. Empowering young people is more important.” —Tane, 18