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Feeling pressure

to try or watch stuff in porn?

Kia ora! Pressure to watch or try stuff in porn can be tough, so it’s great you’ve found your way here!
Some of the sexual stuff online now is pretty weird and wild (and unsafe) – and you shouldn’t be made to feel ‘vanilla’ for not being into it! It can feel tricky saying no 🧐 – so here’s some tips to help when the pressure’s on…

Tips & Tools

Looking for quick tips? Here’s what you need.

“I have some friends that get asked to try something, but they don’t even know what it is because they don’t watch porn and they feel pressure to watch so they don’t feel dumb not knowing.”
FEMALE, 14, OFLC research

Pressure to watch porn?

It’s not uncommon to feel pressure to watch porn.
A recent NZ study showed 1 in 5 young people have felt pressured to look at porn (9) and another survey showed some young people who don’t watch porn can feel like they don’t fit in(10).

Pressure from a friend or partner combo’d with wanting to fit in can mean it’s really hard to say no. But learning to say no is a great thing to get good at, so you can stay true to yourself and your boundaries 👍.

Pressure to try out sexual stuff

Pressure to try out new sexual stuff is also common. Our recent survey showed that pressure to do sexual stuff seen in porn can be an issue for many young people. Porn’s become a form of sex ed and is often used as a learning tool – so it’s not rocket science that some young people want to try out what they’ve seen.

But any kind of pressure to try out new sexual stuff is not okay. Even if you’re super into each other.

What actually is Sexual Coercion ?

Coercion is a word used to describe when you feel pressured, obligated or persuaded to do something sexually you don’t want to do.
Coercion can be confusing as it can be really subtle and even seem playful or it can be obvious and straight up threatening – so it helps to think of it as a spectrum or a range.

Here’s some examples of everyday coercion. A partner might:

  •  Keep pressuring you, even when you’ve said no… “C’mon – don’t be a prude”
  •  Use manipulative lines… “Sex is how I feel loved – so it makes me feel crap when you don’t want to” or “I need it, I’m a guy”
  •  Make you feel guilty or like you owe them… because you’re in a relationship, they’ve spent money on you, or you’ve hooked up with them.
  •  Use subtle threats… “If I don’t get sex from you, I’ll get it somewhere else”
  •  Get angry or verbally abuse you… if you don’t do what they want sexually
  •  Give you drugs or alcohol… to loosen things up and get you over the line sexually
  •  Make you feel threatened or afraid… of what might happen if you say no.

No matter what it looks like, any kind of coercion is not okay. A coercive partner or hook up hasn’t respected someone’s boundaries or wishes – and that’s not okay. Ever.

“There’s feelings of guilt for not wanting to re-enact things seen in porn and fear of being called a prude .”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020

Any kind of pressure from a partner to try out new sexual stuff is not okay – even if it’s said playfully and even when you’re super into each other. It’s okay to say no. And you’re not vanilla or a prude if you don’t want to try out the latest porn moves. 

What’s the deal with consent & coercion in porn ?
Basically ‘consent’ isn’t common on most porn sites and some scenes have coercive stuff in them.

A recent study showed that of the porn kiwis watched most, 35% of the videos included non-consensual or coercive sex. This was a normal and an AoK part of the scenes(11) – but would actually be straight up illegal in real-life. Research tells us some young people use porn to learn about sex(12) – so it can be pretty confusing when it looks like everyone’s having a good time doing illegal stuff in porn.

So yeah, consent or coercion can get blurred in real life when porn’s being used as sex-ed.

Pressure or just playful?

The line between pressure and playful can be messy.

Lines like “C’mon – don’t be a prude, you’ll like it” or “If you really liked me, you’d try this” may sound playful, but are actually straight up pressure. And any kind of sexual pressure is not okay. Sex should always be safe, pleasurable, and consenting (saying yes to every act) for both or all partners.

“There is a massive amount of peer pressure around porn – people talk about it like it’s cool, and go on about “how hot this girl was” etc. If we could make it seem less cool somehow it would be a good start to breaking that peer pressure.”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020

So, what is a healthy sexual relationship?

Healthy sexual relationships should include:

  • Consent  – an enthusiastic “yeah” kinda yes to the type/s, place, person/s and timing of sex
  • Communication – both partners say what they’re into/not into and it’s respected
  • Contraception/Condoms  – it’s risk free of STIs or unplanned pregnancy
  • Comfort  – it’s pleasurable, feels great for both partners and there’s no pressure

For extra info on sexual relationships and pressure, check out lovegoodbadugly.com/sex-pressure and Healthy Sexual Relationships — Dear Em

Tips & tools

<< Click a tool tip or go back 👍🏽 >>

Feeling pressure to try stuff in porn?

Here’s some top tips to help out:

Feeling pressure to watch porn?

Here’s five hot tips for when the pressure’s on…

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Feeling pressure to try stuff in porn?

Here’s some top tips to help out:
Is it safe?

Some of the sex in porn isn’t always safe – the actors don’t often wear condoms, some of the sexual acts cause them pain, and they do some stuff like choking that can be dangerous.

If it doesn’t seem safe to you – then call the shots and give it a miss.

Are you being “asked” or “pressured”?

If someone asks you to try something and then respects ‘no’ for an answer – that’s cool. But if there’s pressure or they don’t listen to you – that’s not okay.

Every sexual experience needs to have enthusiastic consent. That’s not an “um ok”, but more like an enthusiastic “hell yeah” kinda yes. Watch here

Is it pushy or just playful?

Sometimes the lines between pressure and playful can be messy. Lines like “If you really liked me, you’d try this” or “I know you’ll be into this once you try it” might sound playful, but they are actually straight up pressure.

And ANY kind of sexual pressure is not okay.

It’s okay to say no

Saying no is so okay. Even if you’re super into someone.

You can also say no without sounding savage. Try “I really like you – but nah, I’m not into that”.

Is my relationship all good?

If your date or partner respects you, they won’t be pushy or pull lines like “C’mon, everyone does this”.

HERE’S a quiz from ARE YOU OK? to help you find out what makes a healthy relationship.

    Ask for help

    If you’re feeling pressure, it helps to have a safe mate or an adult to talk to.

    Reach out to a friend, or if you want to talk anonymously try the pros HERE.

    Sexual harm

    If you’ve had a sexual experience you didn’t want or were forced into a sexual act – that’s called sexual harm.

    If that’s you, it’s important you’re not dealing with that alone – so try talking to a trusted friend or adult. If you need medical support, want to report it, or just need anonymous support – text the counsellors at 4334 Safe to Talk, they are there for you.

    << swipe for next tip or go back 👍🏽 >>

    Feeling pressure to watch porn?

    Here’s five hot tips for when the pressure’s on…
    It’s okay to say no

    Saying no is so okay. It sounds simple, but a simple “Nah – not for me” can work.

    If you’re with the person/people and keep being hassled, think of a way to gap the situation.

    Relationship red flag

    If a partner you really like is pressuring you, that’s still not okay. Try being honest: “I’ve said no, I don’t like that you keep asking”. Watching porn is a sexual activity that shouldn’t involve pressure of any kind.

    Healthy relationships should be super supportive – so if someone keeps trying to convince you to watch porn, that’s a red flag.

    Laugh it off

    Not doing what your mates are doing can make things real tense, real fast. Humour can be useful in some cases if you want to avoid being blunt, but still make your feelings clear. “No judgement here…but I’m more into watching cats on YouTube.”

    Is it legal?

    If it’s an adult pressuring you and you are under age 18, that’s illegal and not okay.

    Tell a trusted adult – a school nurse, a school counsellor, whānau, or text 4334 “I’m (insert age) and an adult has been showing me porn – what should I do?”

    Feeling super pressured?

    Talk to someone and get help. Friends and helplines HERE are there to lean on if you are feeling out of your depth.