Aggression and rough stuff in porn is pretty common now – and while it’s meant to be just fantasy, some people can find they get a bit stuck watching it. Watching a lot of it can start changing our views around aggression, what we expect in real-life sex, and even what we enjoy sexually. It can also trigger aggressive feelings for some people and others can find themselves searching for more extreme stuff. If you relate to any of these – it’s great you’ve made it here 👍 and here’s some tools to help out…
TIPS & TOOLS
It’s great you’re here and trying to figure this one out. Here’s some top tips to get you started…
Worried you might harm someone?Up next: Worried about how...
Worried about how you feel?
If you don’t think you’ll harm anyone, but are worried about having sexually aggressive feelings, it’s also important to get some help from the pros asap. Try SAFE TO TALK.
Keep reading for some other tips and tricks that can help you along the way…Up next: Try putting a ‘CAP’...
Try putting a ‘CAP’ on it...
If you’re struggling with aggressive feelings, here’s a tool for ‘in the moment’…
C: Cut down – Try giving your brain a break. If watching more extreme porn is making you feel more aggressive, maybe push pause while you get help.
A: Avoid – Avoid situations that might make you vulnerable or impulsive… full on sexual situations, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or drugs.
P: Professional Help – If you need help, but it feels too awkward, try starting with a text… “Hey, this is hard to say, but I’m struggling with feeling aggressive and want to talk with someone – can you help?”Up next: Listen to feelings...
Listen to your feelings
If you’re worried or uncomfortable about how you’re feeling – listen to your feelings.
Feelings can give us clues about what’s important to us and what we are and aren’t comfortable with.Up next: Want to cut back?...
Want to Cut back?
If you’re feeling uncomfortable watching more aggressive porn, it might be a good time to give your brain and body a break! Cutting back or watching less aggressive porn may help, but that’s often easier said than done, so pushing pause on porn in general, can really help break the cycle.
Here’s some great TIPS on how to cut down… and kia kaha!Up next: Spot the signs...
Spot the signs
Being aware of any warning signs that might lead to doing something sexually aggressive is super helpful. These could be feeling angry, frustrated, heart racing, sweaty hands etc.
Before you do something you regret —STOP – THINK – TALK to SOMEONE or do a full 180 and WALK AWAY to keep yourself and others safe.Up next: Whakatā...
Finding a way to whakatā (relax) and manage how you’re feeling is important.
In many cultures, reconnecting with your culture and taking part in, or trying out cultural performing arts is a great way of releasing any building aggression.Up next: Self-check:...
Self-check: past abuse?
If you’ve been abused in the past or had aggressive people in your life, you might find you watch more aggressive porn to try and understand why, or your body might respond to more aggressive stuff because of what’s happened.
That can be confusing for you, so it’s important to get some help. Call the pros on Safe to Talk.Up next: Worried you might...
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Is it normal to like watching sexually aggressive scenes in porn?
There’s a bunch of aggressive stuff in porn and when we watch it, it can be confusing for our brain 🤯
We might know what’s happening in the scenes isn’t okay, but when we see hot nude actors look like they’re enjoying it, our brain can tell our body to get aroused. So if you get turned on by aggressive porn, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you are aggressive – it’s just your body’s response to seeing nude scenes! If we watch tons of aggressive stuff, the experts tell us this can sometimes start to impact our real-life sexual ideas, expectations and experiences (13).
Side note: Some peeps who’ve experienced sexual assault find themselves searching for more aggressive stuff in porn to try and make sense of what’s happened to them. If that’s you, it might help to reach out to some pros who are great at helping with this stuff – as the porn industry wasn’t made to be experts in this area!
Getting turned on to more extreme porn can be confusing. Starting to think ‘critically’ about what’s going on in porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?
Can watching rougher stuff in porn change me?
Yes and No. When we watch porn, and if we’re getting aroused by it, we are in a pretty focused state which some research suggests is a perfect state for learning!
In the rougher porn, the messages around consent, coercion (pressure) and relationships can be pretty dodgy and if we watch a lot of it, and learn from it, our ideas and expectations around sex can begin to change (not for the best). Recent research showed peeps that watched lots of aggressive porn were more likely to be okay with aggression in real life sex and more likely to be sexually aggressive.
If we are able to think ‘critically’ about the messages – and call them out… For e.g. ‘that’s violent’ or ‘pressure is never okay in sex’ etc, it’s less likely to impact us.
But if the aggressive stuff in porn is just fantasy – what’s the problem? Some people think because porn is acted, any kind of porn is sweet and won’t impact us. Yep, porn is acted – but what we see is still happening. There’s no way to tell if the actors love it or hate it. Some have said they felt pressured or assaulted during rough scenes but couldn’t speak up. When we watch porn it can get our hormones firing, even if its aggressive – so our brains can also learn that aggressive sex is going to feel good, which can be confusing, and actually impact our real life sex preferences and expectations…
Can you cut back on watching aggressive stuff?
100% Yes. If watching aggressive porn is making you feel uncomfortable, it might be time to give things a break. Our brains can get stuck in a habit when we’re using porn – pushing pause or cutting back may help break the cycle.
Experienced unwanted sexual touch?
In a recent NZ study, 20% of female and 9% of male high school students said they’d been touched in a sexual way or made to do unwanted sexual things(15). These stats were much higher for LGBTQI+ young people. If you have experienced unwanted sexual touch (and you think it might be impacting what you’re searching in porn) it’s important to get some support.
Try talking to a trusted friend/safe adult or text the pros on 4334 Safe to Talk.
Nine in ten (89%) NZ young people think porn can influence the way people think or act (16)
So how do I make changes?
The hardest part of making change is often admitting you need help. Reaching out takes guts, it’s bloody brave – but can change the rest of your life. So find a pro to talk to HERE Talk/Text. And remember wanting to do something isn’t the same as doing it. Feeling aggressive doesn’t make you a bad person. Kia kaha.
Want to try rougher sex or
feeling sexually aggressive?
Know what’s going on with aggression in porn?
A bunch of young people get real about aggression in porn – and how they personally feel about it.
Know it’s okay to have questions about porn?
Young kiwis share their own questions and experiences around porn.
Know if porn’s a legit sex educator?
Check out this great korero on whether porn’s a legit sex educator!
Know it’s okay to feel uncomfortable with porn?
A few young people have a korero on their own experiences with porn…
The Barbershop - Where Men Go To Heal
The Naked Truth
Safe to Talk
If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.