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Wanting to Try Rougher Sex or
Feeling Sexually Aggressive?

Hey there! If you’re watching rougher porn and are wondering about it, you’re in the right place.

For most young people porn is just fantasy – but if you want to try it out in real life, things can sometimes get tricky. For some people, violent porn can trigger aggressive feelings, and others can find themselves searching for it. If you relate to any of these, it’s great you’ve made it here 👍 – here’s some tools to help out…

TIPS & TOOLSseeing-porn-glasses

WANT TO TRY ROUGHER SEX

Since porn is basically like sex-ed these days, it’s not uncommon to want to try stuff out. Here’s the lowdown to help you work this one out…

Trying out rougher stuff?

Since porn is low-key like sex-ed these days, it makes sense to want to give what you’ve watched a go.

The thing is, there’s a massive difference between what porn actors do and real-life sex.

The rougher stuff in porn can actually be  painful – but the actors are paid to look ‘into it’. In real life, not everyone likes to be slapped, hit, or involved in group stuff.

If you’re wanting to try something, make sure you go through the checklist next.

Partner doesn’t like it? Checklist...

If you’re worried your partner doesn’t like it when you try out rougher stuff, OR if you are keen to try something new you’ve seen in porn, ask yourself these questions first:

✔️ Do we both fully consent to this?
✔️ Have I checked that she/he/they like this?
✔️ Is it safe – could anyone get hurt?
✔️ Is it respectful – will the person feel like I care about them?

If it’s no to any of the above, it’s probably worth switching things up to make sure you’re both into it. Easier said than done, so if you need some more tips, keep reading.

What about choking and throat holding?

There’s a trend right now with choking or throat holding. It might sound like a bit of fun, but it can be straight up unsafe and dangerous. Why? The experts say that when you choke someone it might only take 10-20 seconds for them to black out and 4-5mins to die.

So, it’s super hard to tell when it goes from just playing around to being really dangerous.

Needing rougher porn to get turned on?

If you’re needing rougher or more extreme porn to get turned on and it’s making you uncomfortable, you may need to get some decent support from the pros. That might feel awkward – but getting it off your chest and letting others help you can be life-changing.

If you want to keep it anonymous, there are apps or help lines HERE

It keeps happening?

If your sexual partner/s are continually not enjoying what you’re into; you find yourself in sexual situations where the other person isn’t up for it; or you’re keen to play out some fantasies that have a higher risk of causing harm – you might need some help from the pros.

Check out SAFE TO TALK.

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There’s a massive difference between sex in porn and real-life sex – so if you’re keen to try anything out, make sure your partner’s 100% into it first ✔️

STRUGGLING WITH AGGRESSIVE FEELINGS?

It’s great you’re here and trying to figure this one out. Here’s some top tips to get you started…

Worried you might harm someone?

First up, if you are feeling sexually aggressive and think you might harm someone, it’s great you’re here – and – you need help from the Pros. Asap.

Contact SAFE TO TALK or check out other free anonymous services HERE

They are there to help you and won’t judge.

Worried about how you feel?

If you don’t think you’ll harm anyone, but are worried about having sexually aggressive feelings, it’s also important to get some help from the pros asap.

Try SAFE TO TALK. Here’s some other tips and tricks that can help you along the way…

Listen to your feelings

If you’re worried or uncomfortable about how you’re feeling – listen to your feelings.

Feelings can give us clues about what’s important to us and what we are and aren’t comfortable with.

Try putting a ‘CAP’ on it...

C: Cut down – Try giving your brain a break. If watching more extreme porn is making you feel more aggressive, maybe push pause while you get help.

A: Avoid – Avoid situations that might make you vulnerable or impulsive… full on sexual situations, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or drugs.

P: Professional Help – If you need help, but it feels too awkward, try starting with a text… “Hey, this is hard to say, but I’m struggling with feeling aggressive and want to talk with someone – can you help?”

If you want to talk to a safe adult in your life GO HERE.

Spot the signs

Being aware of any warning signs that might lead to doing something sexually aggressive is super helpful. These could be feeling angry, frustrated, heart racing, sweaty hands etc.

Before you do something you regret —STOP – THINK – TALK to SOMEONE or do a full 180 and WALK AWAY to keep yourself and others safe.

Whakatā

Finding a way to whakatā (relax) and manage how you’re feeling is important.

In many cultures, reconnecting with your culture and taking part in, or trying out cultural performing arts is a great way of releasing any building aggression.

Self-check: past abuse?

If you’ve been abused in the past or had aggressive people in your life, you might find you watch more aggressive porn to try and understand why, or your body might respond to more aggressive stuff because of what’s happened.

That can be confusing for you, so it’s important to get some help. Call the pros on Safe to Talk.

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If you need some help but it feels way too awkward talking to someone, try starting with a text.

Change topics?

LEARN

Getting turned on to more extreme porn can be confusing. Starting to think ‘critically’ about what’s going on in porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?

Will my partner like rough sex?

Everyone’s different – and if rough sex is safe, pleasurable and consensual, then it’s a personal call.

But always talk first – saying nothing or “um maybe” doesn’t mean a partner likes it or consents. In a UK study with 2000 women who had rougher sex, 42% felt pressured, forced or coerced to do rougher stuff, and it was unwanted 53% of the time(13).

Basically, always ask first and SEE CHECKLIST in TIPS.

Getting turned on to more extreme porn can be confusing. Starting to think ‘critically’ about what’s going on in porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?

Porn’s not real, right?

Well yes and no. Some people think because porn is acted, then any aggression is okay. Yes, they’re actors – but what we see is still happening. There’s no way to tell if the actors love it or hate it. Some have said they felt ‘sexually assaulted’ during rough scenes but couldn’t speak up(14) 🤔.

Either way, if watching more aggressive porn gets your hormones firing – your brain learns what you’re watching feels good, which can be confusing. Starting to think about what’s going on in some porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?

“I thought the stuff on Pornhub was real and so do my mates. It’s important we know its not” Tane, 16, TLP Survey 2020
Is it normal to like watching sexually aggressive scenes in porn?

We know there’s a bunch of aggressive-ish stuff in some porn and when you’re watching this stuff it can be confusing for your brain 🤯. You might know what’s happening isn’t okay, but when you see hot actors look like they’re enjoying it you can still get turned on – and want to keep watching it.

This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you are aggressive – but if we watch tons of aggressive stuff, the experts tell us this can sometimes start to impact our real life sexual ideas, expectations and experiences.

“You watch porn and think that that’s the way sex needs to be treated. But It’s often aggressive.” Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020

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CONSENT is everything, it means everyone can have a GOOD time – but what is it? – Watch this funny video.

Can porn change me?

Yes and No. When we watch porn, we are in a focused state which some research suggests is a perfect state for learning!

FOCUS + AROUSAL = LEARNING. If we watch a lot of porn, our ideas and expectations can begin to change based on what we see.

So? Some of the messages in porn around consent, coercion (pressure) and relationships are not sooooo healthy. If we pause and think ‘critically’ about the ideas and messages porn is giving us (that’s called porn literacy) it’s less likely to impact us.

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CONSENT is everything, it means everyone can have a GOOD time – but what is it? – Watch this funny video.

The legal lowdown:

If you want to know about consent and the law, you can learn more here.

Experienced unwanted sexual touch?

In a recent NZ study, 20% of female and 9% of male high school students said they’d been touched in a sexual way or made to do unwanted sexual things(15). These stats were much higher for LGBTQI+ young people. If you have experienced unwanted sexual touch, it’s important to get some support.

Try talking to a trusted friend/safe adult or text the pros on 4334 Safe to Talk.

Nine in ten (89%) NZ young people think porn can influence the way people think or act (16)

So how do I make changes?

The hardest part of making change is often admitting you need help. Reaching out takes guts, it’s bloody brave – but can change the rest of your life.

LISTEN

Want to try rougher sex or
feeling sexually aggressive?

Want to try rougher sex or feeling sexually aggressive?

The Barbershop - Where Men Go To Heal

This TEDx by NZ Matt Brown from The Barber shop talks about the pressure guys can feel to be ‘tough’ and why – and how there’s always hope.

Sexual Consent

This short NZ clip shows the importance of both partners consenting.

The Naked Truth

A TVNZ video on porn with Jehan Cassinder, who interviews porn actors, school students and a NZ musician who’s struggling with his own porn habits.
Epic important clips here – the pressure guys can feel to be ‘tough’, thinking about the decisions we make, consent vibes, and a mini doco on the porn industry! Keen to hear about real life experiences? then watch these…
TALK/TEXT

YOUTHLINE

24/7 free service designed just for youth. You can call or text to talk about big or small stuff.

Anonymous online chat 7-10pm.
Freephone: 0800 376 633
Text: 234
www.youthline.co.nz

ARE YOU OK?

This website has great info on experiencing violence, using violence, warning signs, strategies and success stories. There’s an info line on services for anyone experiencing or witnessing violence or wanting to change.

Freephone: 0800 456 450
www.areyouok.org.nz

Tautoko Mai

Regional Bay of Plenty service that provides individual sexual harm support and support for friends or whānau affected by sexual harm.

Freephone: 0800 2B SAFE 24/7
www.tautokomai.co.nz

Man Alive

Man Alive provides non-judgmental support, education, workshops and counselling for young men struggling with aggression. They also run Te Ara Taumata Ora, for Maori youth.

Freephone: 0800 826 367
www.manalive.nz

Safe to Talk

If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.

Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Freephone: 0800 044 334
Text: 4334
Website/online chat: www.safetotalk.co.nz
Email: [email protected]

Safe Network

If you are worried about your sexual behaviour, or someone else’s, SAFE work with people with problematic sexual behaviours and have specialist services for young people, Māori and Pasifika youth.

Phone: 09 377 9898
www.safenetwork.org.nz/
Email: [email protected]

Enabling Youth

Christchurch and Timaru service providing supportive non-violence education programmes for young people to help develop safe ways to deal with frustration, stress and anger.

Phone: 03 365 6266
www.enablingyouth.co.nz

Hey bro

24/7 free, confidential helpline for men who feel they are going to harm a loved one or whānau member. The team of experienced men will help support you and connect you with services.

Freephone: 0800HEYBRO
hewakatapu.org.nz

STOP

Christchurch, Nelson, Dunedin and Invercargill community-based services for children, adolescents and adults with concerning or harmful sexual behaviours.

Phone: 03 353 0257
[email protected]
www.stop.org.nz

NETSAFE

Netsafe is a free confidential 24/7 online safety helpline that offers support, legal info and advice on online issues.

Freephone: 
0508 NETSAFE

Text: 4284
8am-8pm weekdays
9am-5pm weekends.

Online report: Reporting Harmful Content

Website: netsafe.org.nz

Fun fact: When we are feeling very intense feelings like fear or aggression, part of our brain called the ‘amygdala’ is running the show. Research shows that through talking to someone about these feelings, it helps the ‘amygdala’ chill out — and we can become calmer and less triggered.