Struggling with watching more
Hey there! If you’ve found yourself watching more aggressive porn lately, and are worried about what’s going on for you, you’re in the right place.

Aggression and rough stuff in porn is pretty common now – and while it’s meant to be just fantasy, some people can find they get a bit stuck watching it. Watching a lot of it can start changing our views around aggression, what we expect in real-life sex, and even what we enjoy sexually. It can also trigger aggressive feelings for some people and others can find themselves searching for more extreme stuff. If you relate to any of these – it’s great you’ve made it here 👍 and here’s some tools to help out…

TIPS & TOOLSseeing-porn-glasses

It’s great you’re here and trying to figure this one out. Here’s some top tips to get you started…

  • Worried you might harm someone?

    First up, if you are feeling sexually aggressive and think you might harm someone, it’s great you’re here – and – you need help from the Pros.

    Contact SAFE TO TALK or check out other free anonymous services HERE

    They are here to help you and won’t judge.

    Up next: Worried about how...
  • Worried about how you feel?

    If you don’t think you’ll harm anyone, but are worried about having sexually aggressive feelings, it’s also important to get some help from the pros asap. Try SAFE TO TALK.

    Keep reading for some other tips and tricks that can help you along the way…

    Up next: Try putting a ‘CAP’...
  • Try putting a ‘CAP’ on it...

    If you’re struggling with aggressive feelings, here’s a tool for ‘in the moment’…

    C: Cut down – Try giving your brain a break. If watching more extreme porn is making you feel more aggressive, maybe push pause while you get help.

    A: Avoid – Avoid situations that might make you vulnerable or impulsive… full on sexual situations, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or drugs.

    P: Professional Help – If you need help, but it feels too awkward, try starting with a text… “Hey, this is hard to say, but I’m struggling with feeling aggressive and want to talk with someone – can you help?”

    Up next: Listen to feelings...
  • Listen to your feelings

    If you’re worried or uncomfortable about how you’re feeling – listen to your feelings.

    Feelings can give us clues about what’s important to us and what we are and aren’t comfortable with.

    Up next: Want to cut back?...
  • Want to Cut back?

    If you’re feeling uncomfortable watching more aggressive porn, it might be a good time to give your brain and body a break! Cutting back or watching less aggressive porn may help, but that’s often easier said than done, so pushing pause on porn in general, can really help break the cycle.

    Here’s some great TIPS on how to cut down… and kia kaha!

    Up next: Spot the signs...
  • Spot the signs

    Being aware of any warning signs that might lead to doing something sexually aggressive is super helpful. These could be feeling angry, frustrated, heart racing, sweaty hands etc.

    Before you do something you regret —STOP – THINK – TALK to SOMEONE or do a full 180 and WALK AWAY to keep yourself and others safe.

    Up next: Whakatā...
  • Whakatā

    Finding a way to whakatā (relax) and manage how you’re feeling is important.

    In many cultures, reconnecting with your culture and taking part in, or trying out cultural performing arts is a great way of releasing any building aggression.

    Up next: Self-check:...
  • Self-check: past abuse?

    If you’ve been abused in the past or had aggressive people in your life, you might find you watch more aggressive porn to try and understand why, or your body might respond to more aggressive stuff because of what’s happened.

    That can be confusing for you, so it’s important to get some help. Call the pros on Safe to Talk.

    Up next: Worried you might...

<< Click for next tip 👍🏽 >>

<< Swipe for next tip 👍🏽 >>

If you need some help but it feels way too awkward talking to someone, try starting with a text.


Getting turned on to more extreme porn can be confusing. Starting to think ‘critically’ about what’s going on in porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?
Is it normal to like watching sexually aggressive scenes in porn?

There’s a bunch of aggressive stuff in porn and when we watch it, it can be confusing for our brain 🤯

We might know what’s happening in the scenes isn’t okay, but when we see hot nude actors look like they’re enjoying it, our brain can tell our body to get aroused. So if you get turned on by aggressive porn, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you are aggressive – it’s just your body’s response to seeing nude scenes! If we watch tons of aggressive stuff, the experts tell us this can sometimes start to impact our real-life sexual ideas, expectations and experiences (13).

Side note: Some peeps who’ve experienced sexual assault find themselves searching for more aggressive stuff in porn to try and make sense of what’s happened to them. If that’s you, it might help to reach out to some pros who are great at helping with this stuff – as the porn industry wasn’t made to be experts in this area!

Getting turned on to more extreme porn can be confusing. Starting to think ‘critically’ about what’s going on in porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?

Can watching rougher stuff in porn change me?

Yes and No. When we watch porn, and if we’re getting aroused by it, we are in a pretty focused state which some research suggests is a perfect state for learning! 

In the rougher porn, the messages around consent, coercion (pressure) and relationships can be pretty dodgy and if we watch a lot of it, and learn from it, our ideas and expectations around sex can begin to change (not for the best). Recent research showed peeps that watched lots of aggressive porn were more likely to be okay with aggression in real life sex and more likely to be sexually aggressive.

If we are able to think ‘critically’ about the messages – and call them out… For e.g. ‘that’s violent’ or ‘pressure is never okay in sex’ etc, it’s less likely to impact us.

But if the aggressive stuff in porn is just fantasy – what’s the problem? Some people think because porn is acted, any kind of porn is sweet and won’t impact us. Yep, porn is acted – but what we see is still happening. There’s no way to tell if the actors love it or hate it. Some have said they felt pressured or assaulted during rough scenes but couldn’t speak up. When we watch porn it can get our hormones firing, even if its aggressive – so our brains can also learn that aggressive sex is going to feel good, which can be confusing, and actually impact our real life sex preferences and expectations…

“I thought the stuff on Pornhub was real and so do my mates. It’s important we know its not” Tane, 16, TLP Survey 2020
Can you cut back on watching aggressive stuff?

100% Yes. If watching aggressive porn is making you feel uncomfortable, it might be time to give things a break. Our brains can get stuck in a habit when we’re using porn – pushing pause or cutting back may help break the cycle.

Here’s some great TIPS on how to cut back.

“You watch porn and think that that’s the way sex needs to be treated. But It’s often aggressive.” Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020

CONSENT is everything, it means everyone can have a GOOD time – but what is it? – Watch this funny video.

If things are bad, can you get help with this?

There are some great services that help young people struggling with harmful or unhealthy sexual thoughts and behaviours…

SAFE Network, WellStop and STOP have great programmes for young people and they’re super effective.


CONSENT is everything, it means everyone can have a GOOD time – but what is it? – Watch this funny video.
Experienced unwanted sexual touch?

In a recent NZ study, 20% of female and 9% of male high school students said they’d been touched in a sexual way or made to do unwanted sexual things(15). These stats were much higher for LGBTQI+ young people. If you have experienced unwanted sexual touch (and you think it might be impacting what you’re searching in porn) it’s important to get some support.

Try talking to a trusted friend/safe adult or text the pros on 4334 Safe to Talk.

Nine in ten (89%) NZ young people think porn can influence the way people think or act (16)

So how do I make changes?
The hardest part of making change is often admitting you need help. Reaching out takes guts, it’s bloody brave – but can change the rest of your life. So find a pro to talk to HERE Talk/Text. And remember wanting to do something isn’t the same as doing it. Feeling aggressive doesn’t make you a bad person. Kia kaha.

Want to try rougher sex or
feeling sexually aggressive?

Want to try rougher sex or feeling sexually aggressive?

Know what’s going on with aggression in porn?

A bunch of young people get real about aggression in porn – and how they  personally feel about it.

Know it’s okay to have questions about porn?

Young kiwis share their own questions and experiences around porn.

Know if porn’s a legit sex educator?

Check out this great korero on whether porn’s a legit sex educator! 

Know it’s okay to feel uncomfortable with porn?

A few young people have a korero on their own experiences with porn… 

The Barbershop - Where Men Go To Heal

This TEDx by NZ Matt Brown from The Barber shop talks about the pressure guys can feel to be ‘tough’ and why – and how there’s always hope.

Sexual Consent

This short NZ clip shows the importance of both partners consenting.

The Naked Truth

A TVNZ video on porn with Jehan Cassinder, who interviews porn actors, school students and a NZ musician who’s struggling with his own porn habits.
Epic important clips here – the pressure guys can feel to be ‘tough’, thinking about the decisions we make, consent vibes, and a mini doco on the porn industry! Keen to hear about real life experiences? then watch these…



24/7 free service designed just for youth. You can call or text to talk about big or small stuff.

Anonymous online chat 7-10pm.
Freephone: 0800 376 633
Text: 234


This website has great info on experiencing violence, using violence, warning signs, strategies and success stories. There’s an info line on services for anyone experiencing or witnessing violence or wanting to change.

Freephone: 0800 456 450

Tautoko Mai

Regional Bay of Plenty service that provides individual sexual harm support and support for friends or whānau affected by sexual harm.

Freephone: 0800 2B SAFE 24/7

Man Alive

Man Alive provides non-judgmental support, education, workshops and counselling for young men struggling with aggression. They also run Te Ara Taumata Ora, for Maori youth.

Freephone: 0800 826 367

Safe to Talk

If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.

Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Freephone: 0800 044 334
Text: 4334
Website/online chat: www.safetotalk.nz
Email: [email protected]

Safe Network

If you are worried about your sexual behaviour, or someone else’s, SAFE work with people with problematic sexual behaviours and have specialist services for young people, Māori and Pasifika youth.

Phone: 09 377 9898
Email: [email protected]


WellStop is a community-based organisation that aims to prevent sexual abuse. If you are unsure about your own thoughts or behaviour, or are concerned about the behaviour of someone you know, contact us.

Phone: 04 566 4745

Hey bro

24/7 free, confidential helpline for men who feel they are going to harm a loved one or whānau member. The team of experienced men will help support you and connect you with services.

Freephone: 0800HEYBRO


Christchurch, Nelson, Dunedin and Invercargill community-based services for children, adolescents and adults with concerning or harmful sexual behaviours.

Phone: 03 353 0257
[email protected]


Netsafe is a free confidential 24/7 online safety helpline that offers support, legal info and advice on online issues.


Text: 4284
8am-8pm weekdays
9am-5pm weekends.

Online report: Reporting Harmful Content

Website: netsafe.org.nz

Enabling Youth

Christchurch and Timaru service providing supportive non-violence education programmes for young people to help develop safe ways to deal with frustration, stress and anger.

Phone: 03 365 6266

Fun fact: When we are feeling very intense feelings like fear or aggression, part of our brain called the ‘amygdala’ is running the show. Research shows that through talking to someone about these feelings, it helps the ‘amygdala’ chill out — and we can become calmer and less triggered.