Aggression and rough stuff in porn is pretty common now – and while it’s meant to be just fantasy, some people can find they get a bit stuck watching it. Watching a lot of it can start changing our views around aggression, what we expect in real-life sex, and even what we enjoy sexually. It can also trigger aggressive feelings for some people and others can find themselves searching for more extreme stuff. If you relate to any of these – it’s great you’ve made it here 👍 and here’s some tools to help out…




TIPS & TOOLS
It’s great you’re here and trying to figure this one out. Here’s some top tips to get you started…
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INFO
Is it normal to like watching sexually aggressive scenes in porn?
There’s a bunch of aggressive stuff in porn and when we watch it, it can be confusing for our brain 🤯
We might know what’s happening in the scenes isn’t okay, but when we see hot nude actors look like they’re enjoying it, our brain can tell our body to get aroused. So if you get turned on by aggressive porn, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you are aggressive – it’s just your body’s response to seeing nude scenes! If we watch tons of aggressive stuff, the experts tell us this can sometimes start to impact our real-life sexual ideas, expectations and experiences (13).
Side note: Some peeps who’ve experienced sexual assault find themselves searching for more aggressive stuff in porn to try and make sense of what’s happened to them. If that’s you, it might help to reach out to some pros who are great at helping with this stuff – as the porn industry wasn’t made to be experts in this area!
Getting turned on to more extreme porn can be confusing. Starting to think ‘critically’ about what’s going on in porn can help this. For e.g – is sex that hurts someone okay? Do people like this stuff in real life? What messages is this telling me?
Can watching rougher stuff in porn change me?
Yes and No. When we watch porn, and if we’re getting aroused by it, we are in a pretty focused state which some research suggests is a perfect state for learning!
In the rougher porn, the messages around consent, coercion (pressure) and relationships can be pretty dodgy and if we watch a lot of it, and learn from it, our ideas and expectations around sex can begin to change (not for the best). Recent research showed peeps that watched lots of aggressive porn were more likely to be okay with aggression in real life sex and more likely to be sexually aggressive.
If we are able to think ‘critically’ about the messages – and call them out… For e.g. ‘that’s violent’ or ‘pressure is never okay in sex’ etc, it’s less likely to impact us.
But if the aggressive stuff in porn is just fantasy – what’s the problem? Some people think because porn is acted, any kind of porn is sweet and won’t impact us. Yep, porn is acted – but what we see is still happening. There’s no way to tell if the actors love it or hate it. Some have said they felt pressured or assaulted during rough scenes but couldn’t speak up. When we watch porn it can get our hormones firing, even if its aggressive – so our brains can also learn that aggressive sex is going to feel good, which can be confusing, and actually impact our real life sex preferences and expectations…


Can you cut back on watching aggressive stuff?
100% Yes. If watching aggressive porn is making you feel uncomfortable, it might be time to give things a break. Our brains can get stuck in a habit when we’re using porn – pushing pause or cutting back may help break the cycle.


If things are bad, can you get help with this?
There are some great services that help young people struggling with harmful or unhealthy sexual thoughts and behaviours…
SAFE Network, WellStop and STOP have great programmes for young people and they’re super effective.
Experienced unwanted sexual touch?
In a recent NZ study, 20% of female and 9% of male high school students said they’d been touched in a sexual way or made to do unwanted sexual things(15). These stats were much higher for LGBTQI+ young people. If you have experienced unwanted sexual touch (and you think it might be impacting what you’re searching in porn) it’s important to get some support.
Try talking to a trusted friend/safe adult or text the pros on 4334 Safe to Talk.
Nine in ten (89%) NZ young people think porn can influence the way people think or act (16)

So how do I make changes?
The hardest part of making change is often admitting you need help. Reaching out takes guts, it’s bloody brave – but can change the rest of your life. So find a pro to talk to HERE Talk/Text. And remember wanting to do something isn’t the same as doing it. Feeling aggressive doesn’t make you a bad person. Kia kaha.Want to try rougher sex or
feeling sexually aggressive?
HELP
YOUTHLINE
24/7 free service designed just for youth. You can call or text to talk about big or small stuff.
Anonymous online chat 7-10pm.
Freephone: 0800 376 633
Text: 234
www.youthline.co.nz
ARE YOU OK?
This website has great info on experiencing violence, using violence, warning signs, strategies and success stories. There’s an info line on services for anyone experiencing or witnessing violence or wanting to change.
Freephone: 0800 456 450
www.areyouok.org.nz
Tautoko Mai
Regional Bay of Plenty service that provides individual sexual harm support and support for friends or whānau affected by sexual harm.
Freephone: 0800 2B SAFE 24/7
www.tautokomai.co.nz
Man Alive
Man Alive provides non-judgmental support, education, workshops and counselling for young men struggling with aggression. They also run Te Ara Taumata Ora, for Maori youth.
Freephone: 0800 826 367
www.manalive.nz
Safe to Talk
If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.
Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Freephone: 0800 044 334
Text: 4334
Website/online chat: www.safetotalk.nz
Email: [email protected]
Safe Network
If you are worried about your sexual behaviour, or someone else’s, SAFE work with people with problematic sexual behaviours and have specialist services for young people, Māori and Pasifika youth.
Phone: 09 377 9898
www.safenetwork.org.nz
Email: [email protected]
WellStop
WellStop is a community-based organisation that aims to prevent sexual abuse. If you are unsure about your own thoughts or behaviour, or are concerned about the behaviour of someone you know, contact us.
Phone: 04 566 4745
www.wellstop.org.nz
Hey bro
24/7 free, confidential helpline for men who feel they are going to harm a loved one or whānau member. The team of experienced men will help support you and connect you with services.
Freephone: 0800HEYBRO
hewakatapu.org.nz
STOP
Christchurch, Nelson, Dunedin and Invercargill community-based services for children, adolescents and adults with concerning or harmful sexual behaviours.
NETSAFE
Netsafe is a free confidential 24/7 online safety helpline that offers support, legal info and advice on online issues.
Freephone:
0508 NETSAFE
Text: 4284
8am-8pm weekdays
9am-5pm weekends.
Online report: Reporting Harmful Content
Website: netsafe.org.nz
Enabling Youth
Christchurch and Timaru service providing supportive non-violence education programmes for young people to help develop safe ways to deal with frustration, stress and anger.