First up, what do we mean by aggressive porn?

This term describes a range of acts in porn where there’s some form of aggressive behaviour towards someone. It can include more mild acts like spanking, slapping, or biting through to more ‘extreme’ acts that would be illegal in real-life like forced, very violent, manipulative, or non-consensual sex. The term can mean different things to different people.

Is it normal to get turned on by aggressive porn?

Yep. Our bodies generally respond positively to seeing nudity and sex – even when there’s aggression – and particularly when it looks like everyone’s having a good time. This can feel confusing, especially if you think the type of sex you’re watching isn’t okay in real life.

Is there any problem with being turned on by aggressive porn?

This depends. Our brains connect pleasure with the type of sex we’re getting turned on by – so over time, watching aggressive porn can influence what we like, want, and enjoy in real life. This connection forms even if we’re not okay with aggressive types of sex in real-life – it’s just how our brains work.

So regularly getting aroused to aggressive sexual acts such as non-consensual, forced, or violent sex can become a problem – as these types of sex don’t line up with what is safe, legal, or feels good in real-life. Despite what it looks like in porn – most people don’t want or enjoy aggressive types of sex.

How do I know if it’s become a problem for me?

Here are some signs that could mean you need support:

• It’s impacting what you want and enjoy in real-life sex – e.g. riskier, forced, or violent sex
• You’re needing more extreme or violent types of porn to get turned on
• You’re watching content that’s illegal in real life
• It’s affecting your relationships, daily life, or mental health
• It doesn’t sit right with you – or you feel like it’s out of control.

If you’re worried about what’s going on – our friends at Wellstop, Safe, and Stop provide free, confidential one-to-one support with making changes around unwanted sexual feelings or behaviours – and they’re here for you.

Some people may be more curious about aggressive porn, if they’ve had very early or confusing experiences with porn, or if they’ve experienced sexual harm. For e.g. they might turn to porn to try to make sense of what’s happened, or to feel some control or power sexually. If this feels like you, contact Safe to Talk – they are there to help you, or check out Inner Boy for men with past sexual trauma.

Side note: Is it okay to ‘safely’ try aggressive sex? It depends …

Some of the aggressive acts in porn are illegal and would be considered sexual assault in real life (e.g. forced or non-consensual sex). Some are dangerous and best to steer clear of – like ‘choking’ or very aggressive ‘rough sex’. If you’re keen to try milder forms safely, here’s a checklist to go through with important non-negotiables to lower the risks and keep everyone as safe as possible. But always remember, in porn it looks like everyone enjoys aggressive sex – when the reality is many people don’t enjoy it.

While it’s really normal to have all sorts of fantasies – some can become a problem, especially when they involve illegal or harmful situations. There are a lot of these types of fantasies in porn now, and if you watch porn regularly, it’s not unusual for these scenes to pop into your own thoughts or fantasies.

Let’s start with what the experts say about sexual fantasies:

• Firstly, sexual fantasies are a normal part of being human: Our brains come up with all sorts of fantasies – most make us feel good, but some can make us uncomfortable. Porn’s full of different types of sex and fantasies, and it’s common to get turned on by these – including stuff that we aren’t okay with in real-life.
• Fantasies can affect us: It’s normal (and good!) to have fantasies – but the bottom line is that even if they are just ‘in our mind’, they can still affect us. This is because when two things happen together, our brain makes a ‘connection’ – like connecting good smells with good food, or Netflix with relaxing. If someone regularly gets turned on by fantasies of ‘harmful’ types of sex, their brain can create an increasingly strong connection between this type of sex and pleasure. This can happen even if we know these fantasies are not okay in real-life – it’s just how our brains work.
• Some fantasies can get risky: Fantasies involving illegal or harmful sex can get risky because when someone’s brain connects this type of sex with pleasure – it can start to influence what they want, enjoy, and prefer in real-life. The line between fantasies and real-life desires can then start to get murky – increasing the risk of acting on fantasies and causing harm.

How do I know if my fantasies might be a problem? Here’s some signs…

• The fantasies are becoming more violent, extreme, or include hurting someone
• They involve illegal stuff (e.g. non-consensual or forced sex, sex with children etc)
• They’re taking over your thoughts, feel out of control, or are affecting your mental health
• They’re affecting your relationships, or you can’t enjoy sex without imagining them
• They don’t fit with who you want to be, the relationships you want, or your values

First up, what do we mean by harmful sexual thoughts or feelings?

These are feelings or thoughts that involve doing sexual stuff that is harmful to other people, things, and/or yourself. For example, forced or manipulative sex, non-consensual sexual activity, unwanted or extreme violence, flashing or public sexual behaviour, sex with people much younger, sex with animals, or secretly filming or watching sexual activity.

If they’re just thoughts or feelings – how do I know if there’s a problem?

Even if you don’t act on your thoughts or feelings, they can still affect you, including shaping your real-life sexual ideas and behaviours – so it’s great you’re paying attention to them.
Some signs they could be becoming a problem include: if they start to influence what you want, enjoy and expect in real-life sex, feel out of control or obsessive, interfere with your everyday life, or impact your relationships or mental health. If they include doing illegal sexual stuff, that’s also an important sign – and can be part of a bigger sexual pattern that needs support.

Dealing with harmful sexual thoughts isn’t easy …

Having sexual thoughts or feelings that are unwanted, don’t fit with who you want to be, or make you feel ashamed isn’t easy. Many people struggling with this describe intense guilt or embarrassment and try to keep the feelings secret.
It’s important to understand that as we develop sexually, it’s normal to have responses to sexual situations that we may not think are okay in real life. This is especially true with watching porn – as there’s heaps of aggressive types of sex that we may not think is okay but still feel turned on by. This doesn’t make you a bad person or necessarily reflect what you want in real- life sex.

And side note – some people may be more likely to have these mixed feelings or thoughts – for e.g. if they saw porn as a child, have experienced sexual harm, or have had previous confusing online sexual experiences.

The good news is, it’s possible to change harmful sexual thoughts and feelings – but it can be tricky to do this on your own.

The best way to feel safe and in control is to get support from experts who specialise in supporting people with unwanted sexual feelings and thoughts. Without support, unwanted sexual feelings can often intensify and lead to more shame, secrecy, and isolation – which can be risky.

We recommend Wellstop, Safe, and Stop who offer free, confidential one-to-one support. Getting support is brave and really worth it – and these services are here for you.

Alongside getting support, here’s a few quick tips to help keep you safe ‘in-the-moment’:

• Notice your feelings, but don’t focus on them – When feelings come up, notice them without judgement, then gently let them go. Shift your focus to where you are and what you can see, smell, or hear – then do something else that distracts you and feels safe.
• Avoid triggers – Avoid anything that sets off unwanted thoughts or feelings, e.g. late-night scrolling, porn, going online when you’re sad or stressed, certain online groups or chats, or real-life situations like those in any unwanted thoughts. Physical ‘barriers’ can also be helpful – like putting your phone in another room at night or blocking content on your devices.
• Unplug – Take a break from online sexual stuff while you work things out. It will give you some headspace and keep you safe. Want to Cut Down? can help with this.
• Keep yourself safe – Avoid situations where you’re more at-risk of acting on your thoughts, e.g. sexual situations when you’re drunk, high, impulsive, angry, or sleep-deprived. Also, keep a check on your self-talk. Telling yourself ‘I’m a bad person’ is not only untrue – but will make you feel worse and less motivated.
• Dopamine (aka pleasure hormone) boosters – Make a few new go-to habits for when you’re feeling flat, unsafe, or triggered that can lift your mood. For e.g. listen to music, see mates, exercise, grab some food, or watch some good Netflix.
• Talk to someone safe and trusted – It can be lonely dealing with stuff on your own, so reach out to someone you trust. If you’re a bit nervous to do this, start with a text like: “Hey, this feels awkward – but I’m struggling with some sexual stuff and need a bit of support. Would you be up for a chat?”

Getting help and reaching out to someone can feel like the most difficult thing you can do – but it’s often the very best step you can take. Kia kaha!

• Start with a self-check-in  – Notice what you’re thinking and feeling, what’s worrying you, what you need to feel safe, and what type of support might help.
• Talk to a safe adult or friend – Having someone on your team to work this out with can be a game-changer. If you’re a bit nervous about telling someone, start with a text like:
  “Hey, this feels awkward – but I’m struggling with some online sexual stuff and need a bit of support. Would you be up for a chat?”
• Unplug – Take a break from porn while you work things out. That will help give you some headspace and keep you safe. If cutting back sounds difficult – check out Want to Cut Down.
• Get support from the experts – It’s not easy dealing with unwanted sexual habits (or thoughts) on your own, and the best way to stay safe and get back in control is getting some help from the experts.

  If you’re unsure about things and want to chat with someone, try Safe to Talk

  If you think there might be a bigger problem, or you’re watching stuff that’s illegal – go straight to our friends at Wellstop, Safe, or Stop – they’re here to help you!

And, be kind and compassionate to yourself while you work things out – heaps of people struggle with this stuff. Kia kaha.