Kia ora! Pressure to watch or try stuff from porn can be tough…
especially if you’re made to feel lame for not being into it. The thing is, watching or
re-enacting porn is a sexual activity, so you need to be super into it – and it’s okay if you’re not! It’s normal to want to fit in and saying no can feel tricky 🧐 – so here’s some tips to help when the pressure’s on…
TIPS & TOOLS
Feeling Pressure to Try Stuff in Porn?
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Feeling Pressure to Try Stuff in Porn?
Here’s five hot tips for when the pressure’s on…
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It’s okay to say no. Watching porn is actually a sexual activity – so should never involve pressure of any kind.
Change topics?
INFO
Pressure to watch porn?
It’s not uncommon to feel pressure to watch porn. A recent NZ study showed 1 in 5 of the youth who’d seen porn in the past six months had at some point felt pressured by someone to look at it with them(9) and another survey showed some young people who don’t watch porn can feel like they don’t fit in(10).
Pressure from a friend or partner combo’d with wanting to fit in can mean it’s really hard to say no. But learning to say no is a super important thing to get good at, if you want to stay true to your personal boundaries 👍.
“I have some friends that get asked to try something, but they don’t even know what it is because they don’t watch porn and they feel pressure to watch so they don’t feel dumb not knowing.”
FEMALE, 14, OFLC research
Pressure to try out sexual stuff
Pressure to try out new sexual stuff is also not uncommon. Our recent survey showed that pressure to do sexual stuff seen in porn can be an issue for many young people. Porn’s become a form of sex ed and is often used as a learning tool – so it’s not rocket science that some young people want to try out what they’ve seen. But any kind of pressure to try out new sexual stuff is not okay. Even if you’re super into each other.“I have some friends that get asked to try something, but they don’t even know what it is because they don’t watch porn and they feel pressure to watch so they don’t feel dumb not knowing.”
FEMALE, 14, OFLC research
“There’s feelings of guilt for not wanting to re-enact things seen in porn and fear of being called a prude .”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020
What actually is Sexual Coercion?
Coercion is a word used to describe when you feel pressured, obligated or persuaded to do something sexually you don’t want to do. Coercion can be confusing as it can be really subtle and even seem playful or it can be obvious and straight up threatening – so it helps to think of it as a spectrum or a range.
Here’s some examples of everyday coercion. A partner might:
- Keep pressuring you, even when you’ve said no… “C’mon – don’t be a prude”
- Use manipulative lines… “Sex is how I feel loved – so it makes me feel crap when you don’t want to” or “I need it, I’m a guy”
- Make you feel guilty or like you owe them… because you’re in a relationship, they’ve spent money on you, or you’ve hooked up with them.
- Use subtle threats… “If I don’t get sex from you, I’ll get it somewhere else”
- Get angry or verbally abuse you… if you don’t do what they want sexually
- Give you drugs or alcohol… to loosen things up and get you over the line sexually
- Make you feel threatened or afraid… of what might happen if you say no.
No matter what it looks like, any kind of coercion is not okay. A coercive partner or hook up hasn’t respected someone’s boundaries or wishes – and that’s not okay. Ever.
“There’s feelings of guilt for not wanting to re-enact things seen in porn and fear of being called a prude .”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020
What’s the deal with consent and coercion in porn?
Basically ‘consent’ isn’t common on most porn sites and some scenes have coercive stuff in them.
A 2019 study showed that of the porn scenes kiwis watched most, 35% of the top scenes had some non-consensual or coercive behaviour. Put simply, non-consenting or coercive stuff was a normal and an AoK part of the scenes(11). In another study, a majority (54%) of recent viewers said they use porn to learn about sex(12).
So yeah, consent or coercion can get blurred in real life when porn’s being used to learn about sex.
Pressure or just playful?
The line between pressure and playful can be messy.
Lines like “C’mon – don’t be a prude, you’ll like it” or “If you really liked me, you’d try this” may sound playful, but are actually straight up pressure. And any kind of sexual pressure is not okay. Sex should always be safe, pleasurable, and consenting (saying yes) for both or all partners.
“There is a massive amount of peer pressure around porn – people talk about it like it’s cool, and go on about “how hot this girl was” etc. If we could make it seem less cool somehow it would be a good start to breaking that peer pressure.”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020
So, what is a healthy sexual relationship?
Healthy sexual relationships should include:
- Consent – an enthusiastic “hell yeah” kinda yes to the type, place, person/s and timing of sex
- Communication – both partners say what they’re into/not into and it’s respected
- Contraception/Condoms – it’s risk free of STIs or unplanned pregnancy
- Comfort – it’s pleasurable, feels great for both partners and there’s no pressure
- Connection – there’s connection and it’s not just all about the sex.
For extra info on sexual relationships and pressure, check out lovegoodbadugly.com/sex-pressure and Healthy Sexual Relationships — Dear Em
HELP
Safe to Talk
If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.
Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Freephone: 0800 044 334
Text: 4334
Website/online chat: www.safetotalk.nz
Email: [email protected]
NETSAFE
Netsafe is a free confidential 24/7 online safety helpline that offers support, legal info and advice on online issues.
Freephone:
0508 NETSAFE
Text: 4284
8am-8pm weekdays
9am-5pm weekends.
Online report: Reporting Harmful Content
Website: netsafe.org.nz
ARE YOU OK?
This website has great info on experiencing violence, using violence, warning signs, strategies and success stories. There’s an info line on services for anyone experiencing or witnessing violence or wanting to change.
Freephone: 0800 456 450
www.areyouok.org.nz
Women’s refuge
A service for women and children who are experiencing abuse in their homes or relationships. Ring 24/7 for non-judgemental support and advice.
Freephone: 0800REFUGE
womensrefuge.org.nz
Police
If you are in an unsafe situation call 111. If it’s not an emergency, call your local police station, or report what’s going on here: police.govt.nz
If you want to keep anonymous click HERE.
Shine
Shine provides help for anyone experiencing violence or domestic abuse. They offer free and confidential support, advice, information, referrals and legal info.
Freephone: 0508733843
www.2shine.org.nz
YOUTHLINE
24/7 free service designed just for youth. You can call or text to talk about big or small stuff.
Anonymous online chat 7-10pm.
Freephone: 0800 376 633
Text: 234
www.youthline.co.nz
Shakti New Zealand
Shakti provides immediate support to women, children and youth of Asian, African and Middle Eastern origin who have experienced sexual abuse, domestic violence and discrimination.
Phone 24/7 Crisis Line: 0800 742 584
shaktiinternational.org