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Worried about

online sexual relationships?

Hey there! Every week wild new online social platforms, apps and sites are being rolled out…

These can be a great place to meet new people – but can also attract some dodgy folk 😏. There’s no handbook for figuring out what’s safe and what’s not, so here’s some info on how to keep safe – but still have a good time…

Tips & Tools

Looking for quick tips? Here’s what you need.
The deets on online relationships
Meeting people online can be fun. But bottom line is you’ve gotta be careful. You’ve probably heard it all before, but here’s why:
  •  Online relationships can be more intense  – because you might share more personal stuff than in real life.
  •  You can feel more confident online  – and end up doing stuff you regret later.
  •  If you don’t know the person in real life  – they can come across different online to who/how they actually are.
  •  Things can move fast online  – one day you’re texting and the next minute you’re being pressured for nudes.
  •  The person can use your info  – and make profiles of you or share what you’ve said to them. That’s not cool.
  •  You can’t read the person’s body language or body cues  – so they might sound amazing, but actually be really creepy.
  •  There are some sketchy people online  – who create false profiles and do shady stuff.
Does the hot 18-year-old rugby player from Rangiora actually exist – or are you talking to an eighty-year-old from Eisenhüttenstadt with the same deets?
How do I know if a chatting or dating site is legit?

Here’s a few tips:

Sites that begin with “https” instead of “http” means the site probably has a certificate and is more secure. An icon somewhere with the words “Secure” or “Verified ” is good – it shows the website is working with a security service. Sites that come from ‘pop ups’ can be malware – clicking on it can create problems on your device. Malware viruses often come through ads on sites, so even if it’s a safe-ish site, don’t click on the ads.

Random Fact: In 2015, a major hook-up dating site got ALL its data leaked – names, GPS locations, phone numbers, occupations, sexual preferences… EVERYTHING to the public.

Want to get an image removed from a social media platform? Try these links…
Safety checklist: The quick 5
  • Gut check – does this feel allgood?
  • Friends – do other people know about it?
  • Research – do the facts line up?
  • Pressure – are they asking for pics I don’t want to send?
  • Secrecy – is it all on the d-low?

“We want help with how to get out of the cycle of speaking to people online for sex chats, whether a relationship online is appropriate and what hook-up apps are okay.” Anon youth, TLP youth survey

The thing is you can’t read the person’s body language or body cues online – so they might sound like the next best thing, but actually be really creepy.
The deets on camming:

Some people use camming sites like ‘onlyfans’ as a way to make money, a little side hustle that’s kind of like an online peep show.

If you want the legal downlow – the law states you can only cam if you’re 18 or older, as it’s considered ‘child sex abuse material’. If that doesn’t matter to you, and you’re still figuring out if it’s a good idea or not, here’s some tips to help:

  • Heaps of employers Google check people and might be unsure about hiring someone whose done some camming. You might think that’s not cool, but it’s important to think about that risk before pushing go.
  • The longer you cam for, the more likely your pics will be leaked into the whole big internet thing, click here NUDES to decide if you’re cool with that.
  • Some OnlyFans creators have experienced doxxing — where someone leaked their name and location online alongside their photos….woah freaky.
‘Grace’, an onlyfans creator: “My advice is unless you plan to have your career in sex work or related areas, the risks are too great to get involved. I want to discourage the idea that it’s a flippant temporary life choice that doesn’t have any downsides or risks. It is a serious decision that can have a permanent impact on your social life, career and family.”

Tips & tools

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Top Tips for keeping online relationships safe

Feeling pressure to create sexual content?

Some people can feel pressured by a partner, friend or hook-up to make or share sexual content. This can be coercion, saying things like “If you love me you’d let me film you…” or even a straight-up threat like “If you don’t let me use this vid, I’m going to send it to your friends”.

Any kind of pressure is not okay. Your sexual images belong to you and should never ever be given to anyone without your 100% full, free and informed consent.

Someone offering you money for sexual content?

There are people who buy and sell sexual content for their job. They may offer signed consent forms so it all looks legit, but things can get tricky… If there’s not a clear contract, they ‘own’ your images and can do what they want with them – and you may not be able to get them removed.

Cash for your pics now could be a headache and personal price to pay later on – so make sure you do some research before you sign up!

Creating sexual content feel like your ‘only option’?

Sometimes creating sexual content can feel like the only way to pay the bills. If that’s you, that can be rough. There’s some support services that may be able to help such as WINZ’s “check what you get” tool,  that tells you if you can get any government support, which can be an awesome short-term solution if you’re broke.

It might also help to talk about your situation with a friend or family member. They may be able to help you or support you with looking for jobs through Seek, TradeMe or Student Job Search (if you’re a student).

My content has been leaked – how do I tell my family/friends?

It can feel tricky to tell someone you’ve created sexual content, especially if you’re worried they’ll judge you. Remember there’s no shame – everyone makes calls based on what’s going on for them at the time, and some things work out and some don’t.

It’s good to get support from someone you can trust, so here’s a convo starter you can call, text or DM to break the ice…

“Hi there, I posted stuff online that hasn’t ended well – I want to tell you about it, but I’m embarrassed. If I tell you, can you please not judge?.”  Then when they reply, fill them in e.g. “I made some sexual pics and posted them to try and make some money. I thought it was all safe, but they’ve been leaked and I need help.”

Worried about a friend making sexual content?

If you have a friend who might be pressured into creating content OR jumping into it without fully understanding the risks, it’s great that you’re here reading this! There’s some simple things you can do to help out like…

  • Chat through the Things to Consider before they sign up for anything.
  • Talk about ‘the why’ behind their decision, to make sure it’s the right call for them or they’re not being pressured.
  • Go through the checklist together to make sure they understand the risks.
  • Offer to help them check out the site/buyer and review the contract.
  • Be a listening ear and support your friend as they weigh up the decision.
Need help getting something taken down?

If your content has ended up going viral or in places you don’t want, contact Netsafe – they’re the experts at this.

“No one ever talked to me about boundaries or what it would be like, people just said that I would make so much money. But the money was not as good as I thought.” – NZ model

Someone in your family asking you to make sexual content?

If any family member involved in making sexual content is under 18, this is illegal – so if you are being asked to make stuff, contact someone you trust urgently and/or the police.

If you’re over 18 and your family is asking you to film sexual stuff – there may be an issue of whether your consent is being ‘freely given’ as there are often power plays in families that can make this really complicated. Contact Safe to Talk for some confidential advice.

When someone is forcing you, without your consent to create sexual content (photos, hooking up, vids, camming), regardless of your age, that is illegal. If this is happening to you, speak with someone you trust urgently and contact the police or Safe to Talk.